I am what some might call a late bloomer. I just say I am stubborn and too set in my ways in many instances and beginning and sticking to a blog is just one example of this. Six years...SIX YEARS ago I began having the impression to start a blog. "Whhhhaaaatttt?! A blog?? Heavenly Father, Why do I need to start a blog?! What would I even talk about? I don't know what to talk about! I don't have anything interesting to talk about! Can what I have to share even be worth reading..worth sharing? Could what I have to say even make a difference in someone's life?" This was the conversation I was having with myself, well, for the past 6 years. As you can see I am no stranger to insecurity and self-doubt. Sadly I allowed the master deceiver to whisper in my ear, lies of all I was NOT. This went on for years and it didn't take long for those lies to become embedded so deep in my mind and heart. If you can relate to any of this then you know the heavyweight those chains of the lies cause. On the outside, I was known by so many to appear cheerful and optimistic, but on the inside, I was fighting this huge, intense battle, Every.Single.Day. I know many of you can and do relate and because I have known that darkness my compassion is even greater for you.
The truth is that our mind is like a garden. If we neglect our garden by talking down to ourselves, only seeing the bad and wallowing in self-pity, nothin' grows but weeds and the fruits of those thoughts and belief patterns will surely manifest in negative ways in your life. On the other hand, if we take care to nourish and pluck those weeds from our garden by living in gratitude, choosing to Trust the Lord and focusing on the good and positive things in life, then you will reap an Abundant and Bounteous harvest! This is the task of an entire lifetime. It is in the thinking that determines the course of our life. Every action begins first as a thought. "Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly"
I must have been pretty naive. In all reality, I was only 22 when my Eli Jackson came along, so I believe it's safe to say I was. I had a picture in my mind that being a mother would "fix" me. At the time I didn't know just how wrong AND how right I would be, eventually. I wish I could say that I learned the important lesson of 'caring for my garden' and weeding the junk thoughts quickly, but that is not how my story unfolded for me. I am a late bloomer, after all, remember?! Long story shorter, obviously as babies came the old beliefs and perceptions of myself didn't leave. They were there, loud and clear. Something began bubbling up in me more and more after each baby came. It was this anger and frustration that was hiding in my shadow self; you know that part of yourself that we all have, somewhere. Some may have more shadows than others, and the fact of the matter is that I had my fair share, but we all have them, those parts of us that are totally driven by the carnal, natural man. Back to motherhood...because of my emotional baggage, I surely was not in a place where I could love others to the fullest extent. Don't get me wrong, I always loved my children, but it is true that our capacity to love others is related to our capacity to love yourself. This is extremely painful for me to say now, but I feel it's important for me to be transparent and real, so I will just say it..for many years I viewed my children as burdens and felt completely overwhelmed. I was drowning. I was a yeller and reacted at the drop of a hat. I did not know how to nurture my children in the way I truly did desire to, I just told myself that being the patient, nurturing, calm mom is not me and is not in my nature...and I had loads of proof to back that up.
Despite my weaknesses, the Lord heard the pleadings of my heart and has been ever so merciful to me. He knew who I REALLY am, who He created me to be. He led me to experiences and opportunities that allowed me to heal and forgive and be forgiven. He has taught me how to rely on Him, and only Him and He has taught me how to receive His atonement and how to apply it in my life. He has changed my heart and I can honestly say I have become "a new creature in Christ" 2 Cor. 5:17
It is because of His power and grace that I have healed to the point where I am now capable and able to 'Bring the healer home', to raise my children with a greater love, patience, longsuffering and to FINALLY feel JOY in my most sacred and holy calling and to see my children as the precious gifts that they are. My children have been my greatest teachers on my journey. They have triggered me, which has shown me the deepest root of my pain. They have given me so many opportunities to learn kindness & patience. They have played a vital role in saving me from myself. These sweet spirits were sent to teach me and to help save me and I will be eternally thankful for them and for a loving Father who knows exactly what I need to change and soften my heart.
Being so open and vulnerable is not an easy thing for me. If sharing this dark period of my past can help just one person know they are not alone and to know that there IS hope and there is healing available to you, then this blog will be worth it to me. Moving forward my purpose for this blog will be to share with the intention of recording my memories, thoughts, lessons learned, & experiences for my posterity and to share of the simple daily joys of motherhood. I sure hope you stick around with me and I pray I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands in some small way through this process.
I testify to you that you have a Father in Heaven who knows you. He knows your name. He knows your struggles. He knows your weakness and He knows your greatness and your neverending potential. Turn to Christ. Follow Him and Receive of the love and healing He is continually pouring down on you.
Love to You~
Laurie
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